190628 no promises

“Don't tell me you're sorry 'cause you're not

Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show

You really had me goin'

But now it's time to go

Curtain's finally closin'

That was quite a show

Very entertaining

But it's over now..”

I have, to be honest, been trying to write a ton of things in my head recently since everything which is happening to me now comes as if it were all karma and it’s the price that I finally have to pay for.

I had loving days passing by my 20s days like dreams that I could never have imagined to have 2 years ago. But, you know what it’s well said, easy come, easy go.

I have always loved with my heart filled with passion and all of the energy that I could ever have. I’d never want love in halfes. Yet I am treated like I am nothing at all.

I’m betrayed.

It hurts more than anything that I’ve been through my 22 years of life. It doesn’t only hurt. It’s a disappointment. A huge one. A serious one.

I have trust issues.

I never trust anyone. I don’t ever listen to things without doubts. Yet I’m fooled.

I gave him all the best and precious things that I have. To many others, one could be virginity. Which I did, too. But to me, it’s my trust. I said I wouldn’t give it to anyone. Yet I did. To a wrong person.

I was the girl he gave up his freedom for. Yet he cheated on me.

He fucked a whore.

He lied.

He hided.

He left me in silence asking myself if I’m worthless. I even wondered if I was insane asking him about every single thing that makes me feel uncomfortable.

But he fucked a whore.

To all the cases anyone could imagine of how one person found having cheated on the other react, none of them was what I’m going through. Even when I found out about every single thing he did behind my back, he still talked me through his words that I was the one who made the whole thing up to make him feel annoyed. Am I?

I was blamed for everything that I don’t even understand how are they even real.

He fucked a whore less than a week after we went for a trip. He fucked that whore a day before he fucked me, without condom.

While he made me promise to have only him in my life, he let himself do the contrast.

.

I found myself in pain finding out that he was looking for not only girls but also boys on Tinder. It was already a month since he started using it. Yet we share the same bed.

My heart broke into pieces when he tried to denied everything he did because he never thought that I had evidences. I never wanted to have evidences though. I want everything not to happen. He tried to fool me, to give me that idea to believe in, that I’m an idiot who created everything that against him. Oh it hurts me bad.

And even when I cried so much that my eyes blurred, he left me home for work. Oh how responsible he is to his work. What about me?

The first thing he tried to do after leaving work was not to call me to find out where I was but to get home. He could find himself an excuse that was becaus he was hoping that I was home.

Oh, but what’s home? Home is where the love is. But there is no love left.

.

I had no tear left to cry. I even screamed. He apologized, of course. But I am not sure if he meant it, or he only did it because everyone would do the same?! He didn’t even have to beg for a second chance. He only asked for it. But my heart was in pieces and my mind wasn’t my supporter. I loved him too much that I didn’t have to spend a second to give him (or was it me?!) that unneccessary opportunity.

He promised.

He swore.

I trusted him, again.

But I’m still in pain. Every second passes is every second it hurts me. I can’t help imagining what he had done with that slut behind my back, or how he flirted with those on Tinder. It was no good for me. I know. Yet it happens. I’ve been trying to erase those images away from my mind because I know I have to move on. And if I really want to give us this very last chance, I have to let it go. But how?

Those questions are spinning in my head. Why would he do it? Does he really love me? What have I done that I deserve these? ...

I even blamed myself. But no! Hell no! Whatever I have done doesn’t mean that I have to experience this.

.

190628

It was our 7th anniversary yesterday. No wish, no flower, no gift, no card, nothing.

I was hoping for something big 6 months ago. But since I’ve known that he’s not that much in love with me, my expectation was much lower.

I was hoping for only flowers. Yet he did nothing.

He said we are different. But who aren’t? And were we not?

I’ve realized that I received nothing on our first, second, and until 6th anniversary. Nothing on Valentine’s Day. Nothing on Women’s Day. Why?

I’m not that dumb.

I know he’s no good for me yet I’m still here. Why am I hoping for something that never comes?

He said he doesn’t want to have an anniversary each month. Then why did he choose my 27th? I said it’s important to me! It is.

It’s almost 2am and I’m still crying while typing these heartbreaking entry because he’d rather sit on his desk to study than to give a fuck about my feelings. My tears mean just nothing.

Deep down in my heart, I know exactly what to do.

And he actually just gave me the reason to make it real. I shouldn’t let him down, should I?

“..I would go through all this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain

Yes I would die for you baby

But you won't do the same

If my body was on fire

Ooh you'd watch me burn down in flames

You said you love me, you're a liar

'Cause you never ever, ever did..”